Grapevine Stories

The Ba****ding Barbecue

When your husband or partner says, 'shall we have a bbq?' the following write up is pretty common place! This quite funny piece by Peter and Jane will hopefully make you laugh a lot... all women I think will resonate with this and the men amongst you may roll your eyes! Panda x p.s if you are easily offended by a bit of swearing perhaps don't read this.

Some of these photos are taken during a bbq that was actually a roaring success and for once it didn't rain!!

‘Look’ says Daddy ‘The sun is shining! I know what we should do!’

‘Oh no’ says Mummy.

‘We should-’ says Daddy.

‘NO!’ says Mummy.

‘-have a barbecue!’ finishes Daddy triumphantly.

‘Please, no!’ moans Mummy.

‘Why not?’ says Daddy ‘It’s not like it’ll be any work for you, after all, so what’s the problem? It’s a nice night off for you!’

‘Firstly’ spits Mummy furiously ‘It is actually a lot of ****ing work for me, because I have to go to the shop and then prepare ****** everything, while you fart about drinking beer and talking about the optimum time for lighting the b*starding barbecue, and secondly, it’s going to rain anyway, so there’s no point!’

‘Pshaw!’ says Daddy airily ‘You’d be going to the shops anyway to replenish the endless supplies of yoghurts our offspring apparently require, and I hardly think making a couple of salads while I do everything else is a LOT to ask when I’m LITERALLY doing the rest, is it really? And it’s not going to rain, my weather app says so!’

‘Boll*cks to your weather app,’ says Mummy ‘MY weather app, also known as ‘looking out the window and clocking the f*ck off big black clouds gathering overhead says it is going to sodding rain!’

‘Nonsense!’ says Daddy.

Mummy goes to the shop to buy the endless yoghurt supplies for the endless packed lunches and ‘snacks’ for her precious moppets, and also stuff for the barbecue, as she wonders why it is that for any other meal, it is more than acceptable to serve up one protein source, maybe a couple of vegetables and some form of carbs, but for a barbecue, apparently eleventy ****ing billion different varieties of food are required, even though the cherubs only actually will eat the burgers and sausages.

Once the chicken is marinated and the beef and lamb skewered and interesting things done with red bu**ering peppers, tasks incidentally all carried out by Mummy, as apparently they come under the heading of ‘just a couple of salads’ and Daddy has had four beers and announced he has finally worked out the optimal time to light the barbecue and Mummy’s glass of white wine has got warm because she has been too ****ing busy cooking on her ‘night off’ to actually drink it, everything is done and Mummy is about to sit down for five minutes while Daddy lights the barbecue. Only five minutes, mind, as then she will have to run in and out like a blue arsed fly bringing things to put on the barbecue and taking the cooked things in, for Daddy cannot set foot more than an inch from the barbecue for it is only the power of his Great Manliness that keeps it lit, as he panders to his Inner Caveman!

As Daddy puts a match to the barbecue, the heavens open.

‘I TOLD you so,’ hisses Mummy.

‘I don’t understand how this has happened?’ says Daddy, looking perplexed ‘My app didn’t say it was going to rain! We’ll have to cook inside now!’

‘We?’ says Mummy ‘Don’t you mean YOU, darling? After all, this is MY ‘night off’! YOU said so!’

‘Yes,’ says Daddy patiently ‘But that was when we were barbecuing. I don’t know how to cook any of this on the cooker!’

‘Well, you better learn how then, sunshine!’ says Mummy, as she pours herself a stiff drink.

‘FML!’ says Mummy, as clouds of smoke and profanities issue forth from the kitchen, as she dials for pizza, using Daddy’s credit card ‘How did we ever make it out the caves, if the cavemen were as useless as this?’

If any of you have an amusing bbq related tale, please do email us with it, we would love to hear from you. The best member story to win a good bottle of champagne!

Many thanks

Panda x

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